Choosing myself first

I do some of my best thinking when I’m in the shower.  Go figure.

As the nearest and dearest people to my heart one by one are coupling up, getting married, having babies and moving to the ‘burbs, I can’t help but have my current relationship status on my mind: single.

With fascination and a healthy dose of frustration, I can’t help but wonder what gives?!?!?


I’m beautiful,

I’m successful,

I’m sweet, kind and compassionate.

I’m athletic,





Among other things. And I can say all of that confidently.  I’ve come a long way, I’m proud to say!


Yet the fact remains, I am still alone.

So as I lather my pink grapefruit body wash on my loofah, I start to take an inventory of the men I’ve been involved with over the years in an attempt to see if this latest relationship autopsy will shed some new light on what went wrong and how I can move forward differently.

The cast of characters includes: The Persian.  The Greek One.  My Soccer Friend. Aurora Guy. The Doctor. Sexy Neighbour. Tall, Dark & Handsome. Dr M.


The common theme that ties all these very different men together? I was never first.


The realization hits me like a ton of bricks.  Yes, that’s exactly it! At my core, my needs are so simple - all I ever wanted was to be someone’s first choice.  Not second, or third, or someone they only want to keep as a secret on the side. But someone’s first.

I ask myself: what is so wrong with me that no man had the capacity to make me first choice?

And then I hear it, clear as day.  The voice deep inside myself that many call intuition, your inner guide, your inner knowing,



The honest answer is no.


As much as I think I’m a great catch, I also think that I can be better.  Should be better.  And in some areas and aspects of my life, I believe I need to change.

I’ll be lovable when I lose 20 lbs.

I’ll be lovable when I pay off all my debt.

I’ll be lovable when I’m happy 100% of the time.

I’ll be lovable when I’m perfect.

I’ll be lovable when my life is perfect.


My love of self is conditional on being some future, better version of myself. And only once I’m that person, only then will I be able to choose myself first.  Until then, I want nothing to do with the woman reflected in the mirror.


It’s moments like this where the rubber meets the road and I have to stand up and practice what I preach.  I am constantly saying that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world and that if you want to change your life, YOU have to change from the inside out.

If I want a significant other to choose me first, I need to choose me first.  I need to model what that looks like, to be certain of what that feels like. And to know, above all else, that I am lovable now, just as I am, even as I work towards becoming the best version of me possible.

In the self-development world, “you teach what you most need to learn” is a phrase I hear all too often.  It’s time to put the tools I’ve learned over the years to practice, and be open to adding more to my toolkit.  I’m stepping into the arena and I’m prepared to get my butt kicked along the way, but the time is now, the moment is long overdue and I’m ready for some serious change.

Are you with me?